In life we come across situations where we just don't know where we
could find answers to all our questions. This was one such day where I
found answer to a question that has been bothering me for almost a
month.
Before we understand the solution it is essential for
us to understand the source of the problem. A few months ago while I was
hanging out with a few of my best friends I was in a situation where
some of my girl friends felt my husband was doing a great job of taking
care of our daughter. To which I smiled and my mind voice went like this
"Yeah right, Are you seriously saying that????? Where were you guys
when I was working, cooking, cleaning, swabbing, decorating and nursing
my child. I never heard this appreciation then.I am sure it is a tough
thing when your only job once you come back home from office is to take
care of a 4 year old potty trained child, while you wife works in the
office and come back home and takes care of the cook, the other house
hold chores and squeezes some time for her daughter." I said you are
entitled to your views and I respect that. :-). In fact when I
discussed on this issue with my husband later, he mentioned that's the
irony, I did not even do anything big. I am doing the basics which is
expected out of any human being who is a part of the family. Just
because I am 'a man' who doing this I am treated as someone special. I
believe this is lack of awareness within the society which has prompted
such a reaction from them.
PS: There are a lot of other household
chores apart from cooking and sweeping and swabbing. Like washing
utensils,keeping things in place, folding clothes and keeping them in
cupboard,clearing the clutter in the house etc.
The phase 2 of this conversation went like this, where in some of my guy besties accused me of the following:
1.
Your daughter falls sick only because of you. You leave her and go
shopping and she starts crying, and because she cries she falls ill. To
which my response to him was, dear sir/ Madam, with reference to our
last conversation you had mentioned that my husband is as quoted in your
own words "Is good at taking care of our child". Why isn't he able to
manage her?
2. To which he said that is because you give her
everything where as your husband is very strict. She knows that and
that's why she keeps coming to you.
This is where I lost my
head and I said shut the F*** up, you have no rights to talk about how I
do my daughters upbringing, or how I am running a family. I walked out
of the conversation and went home. It took a while for us to start
talking again but I never got a closure on this conversation. I was
reliving the moment every day and wondering why I had reacted with so
much of anger. This is not the first time that this friend has passed
such a comment on me. He is one of those who keeps commenting on why
women do not wear mangalsutra, why don't they wear a toe ring if they
are married. Me and a few girl friends of mine have tried to explain a
women's perspective to him but he still has a long way to go. He
specifically gets irritated with my answers as I give a very tough and
befitting reply to him every time and probably he expected the same this
time. But I had never been so disturbed about any conversation to this
extent as I was with this one.
Now lets focus on the answer to the roller coaster emotional ride above.
I
saw the Movie 'Mardani 2'. I am a thorough movie buff and somehow I
felt intrigued by the name of the movie and decided to watch the first
movie and as I liked the first part I decided to watch the sequel as
well. For those of my friends who do not understand Hindi, Mardani means
'Man Like".
The film has enlightened me in many ways and helped me seek a few answers. Some of the answers are as given below:
1.
We need to continue to talk on equality in as many forums as possible,
to encourage more and more people to adopt the same and practice it in
reality rather than merely talking about the same. We have always been
taught to be humble, but that does not mean we do not talk about our
achievements.
2. Have the courage to say what you feel. I am
sure you are scared, but just speak out. It helps you in 3 ways, your
views are expressed, the other person understands that you cannot be
taken for granted and you live that moment just once. I faced the trauma
of this incident for the last 1 month because I did not give a
befitting reply justifying my action as I had become emotional
3.
It is ok to be vulnerable in front of the others, it is not
unprofessional, but it is wrong to not express just because you felt
vulnerable
4. Hold your dignity high. Nobody has the right to
hurt your dignity. If you do not raise your voice for your self
respect, nobody even cares.
5. Find what your values are and
stand true to them. You do not have to change your values just because
you are married or just because you have new friends. This is one of the
reasons I love my husband. He has been one of those who has accepted me
with all my quirks that come along with the values I truly believe in.
Rather he feels very proud of them. I never fear/regret calling a spade a
spade.
Now I know why I was so vulnerable, it was because these
words were spoken by my best friends, who knew me inside out and who
stood by me through the thick and the thins. Even today if I face any
problem I know I would go to them first, this was the toughest fight I
had ever picked up.A sweet friend had asked me once will you never
apologize for this episode. I said no, he is my friend and when he does
something good I will be the first person to appreciate him. I will not
be saying sorry as I care for him and his future generation. He may not
have understood what I said today but I am sure the future will
enlighten him. Despite all this even today I love this friend with all
his quirks and we continue to remain good friends.
