I am a Feminist and I am not ashamed to be one!

In life we come across situations where we just don't know where we could find answers to all our questions. This was one such day where I found answer to a question that has been bothering me for almost a month.

Before we understand the solution it is essential for us to understand the source of the problem. A few months ago while I was hanging out with a few of my best friends I was in a situation where some of my girl friends felt my husband was doing a great job of taking care of our daughter. To which I smiled and my mind voice went like this "Yeah right, Are you seriously saying that????? Where were you guys when I was working, cooking, cleaning, swabbing, decorating and nursing my child. I never heard this appreciation then.I am sure it is a tough thing when your only job once you come back home from office is to take care of a 4 year old potty trained child, while you wife works in the office and come back home and takes care of the cook, the other house hold chores and squeezes some time for her daughter." I said you are entitled to your views and I respect  that. :-). In fact when I discussed on this issue with my husband later, he mentioned that's the irony, I did not even do anything big. I am doing the basics which is expected out of any human being who is a part of the family. Just because I am 'a man' who doing this I am treated as someone special. I believe this is lack of awareness within the society which has prompted such a reaction from them.

PS: There are a lot of other household chores apart from cooking and sweeping and swabbing. Like washing utensils,keeping things in place, folding clothes and keeping them in cupboard,clearing the clutter in the house etc.

The phase 2 of this conversation went like this, where in some of my guy besties accused me of the following:

1. Your daughter falls sick only because of you. You leave her and go shopping and she starts crying, and because she cries she falls ill. To which my response to him was, dear sir/ Madam, with reference to our last conversation you had mentioned that my husband is as quoted in your own words "Is good at taking care of our child". Why isn't he able to manage her?

2. To which he said that is because you give her everything where as your husband is very strict. She knows that and that's why she keeps coming to you. 

This is where I lost my head and I said shut the F*** up, you have no rights to talk about how I do my daughters upbringing, or how I am running a family. I walked out of the conversation and went home. It took a while for us to start talking again but I never got a closure on this conversation. I was reliving the moment every day and wondering why I had reacted with so much of anger. This is not the first time that this friend has passed such a comment on me. He is one of those who keeps commenting on why women do not wear mangalsutra, why don't they wear a toe ring if they are married. Me and a few girl friends of mine have tried to explain a women's perspective to him but he still has a long way to go. He specifically gets irritated with my answers as I give a very tough and befitting reply to him every time and probably he expected the same this time. But I had never been so disturbed about any conversation to this extent as I was with this one.

Now lets focus on the answer to the roller coaster emotional ride above.

I saw the Movie 'Mardani 2'. I am a thorough movie buff and somehow I felt intrigued by the name of the movie and decided to watch the first movie and as I liked the first part I decided to watch the sequel as well. For those of my friends who do not understand Hindi, Mardani means 'Man Like".

The film has enlightened me in many ways and helped me seek a few answers. Some of the answers are as given below:

1. We need to continue to talk on equality in as many forums as possible, to encourage more and more people to adopt the same and practice it in reality rather than merely talking about the same. We have always been taught to be humble, but that does not mean we do not talk about our achievements.

2. Have the courage to say what you feel. I am sure you are scared, but just speak out. It helps you in 3 ways, your views are expressed, the other person understands that you cannot be taken for granted and you live that moment just once. I faced the trauma of this incident for the last 1 month because I did not give a befitting reply justifying my action as I had become emotional

3. It is ok to be vulnerable in front of the others, it is not unprofessional, but it is wrong to not express just because you felt vulnerable

4. Hold your dignity high. Nobody has the right to hurt your dignity. If you do not raise your voice for your self respect, nobody even cares.

5. Find what your values are and stand true to them. You do not have  to change your values just because you are married or just because you have new friends. This is one of the reasons I love my husband. He has been one of those who has accepted me with all my quirks that come along with the values I truly believe in. Rather he feels very proud of them. I never fear/regret calling a spade a spade.

Now I know why I was so vulnerable, it was because these words were spoken by my best friends, who knew me inside out and who stood by me through the thick and the thins. Even today if I face any problem I know I would go to them first, this was the toughest fight I had ever picked up.A sweet friend had asked me once will you never apologize for this episode. I said no, he is my friend and when he does something good I will be the first person to appreciate him. I will not be saying sorry as I care for him and his future generation. He may not have understood what I said today but I am sure the future will enlighten him. Despite all this even today I love this friend with all his quirks and we continue to remain good friends.

Image Source: https://www.googletrendingnews.com/2019/04/mardaani-2-star-cast-and-crew-predictions-posters-first-look-budget-box-office-collection.html

Bittu Bhai Version 2.O

Sunaina is a Superwomen, she takes care of her family, is a doting mother of a daughter, is a talent in her organization and cooks and maintains the home. She never rests and is on the job 24X7. Her husband would come back home and appreciate the food that she cooked 3 times a day for him and their daughter. The women around praised her for managing work and her personal life. She was envied by her friends and family for running the family as a machine.

Eventually she decided to put her daughter in the day care, that's when a series of drama started of. 'Our heart aches to see our grand daughter in the day care' said her parents and her in-laws.' We will come there and take care of our grandchild. Her husband said 'Why cant you extend the maternity leave and stay at home, why are you joining back so soon'.

Sunaina replied 'I am not getting an extension in office and besides that our daughter will be with me in office and I can feed her and keep a watch on her always'.

"Why should we not call our parents here, he asked?" Sunaina said "That's because when they are here, they have a set of rules for us to follow which makes our life more difficult, when they are here all they can see is what we do wrong and criticize us for that, instead of being a support, their effort is to show how pathetic we are as parents and that we should learn something from them.

When they are here you are obliged to not support me with anything in the house and I stay in the kitchen all day cooking and not doing anything besides that.

Besides every parent makes mistakes I am sure I will make some mistakes as well. I am fine with that and I want to raise my daughter through my own mistakes and by not being worried about our parents mistakes Our daughter is unique and I wish to nurture her uniqueness and not want her to be  you or me, she will always be herself.'

Sunaina eventually put her daughter in the day care, On days Sunaina would stand at a distance from the day care and see how her daughter is enjoying there. When her daughter was 1.5 years old she fell down and was bruised, her in laws and parents commented that she should not put her daughter in the day care any more, to which Sunaina said, sure if thats the case whats the answer to the scar in your sons face and my face. All this happened in a secure environment with you guys around.

What hurts me the most here is instead of being supportive and saying its ok this happens in kids I see you guys are more inclined towards blaming someone for the child getting hurt. I believe I have raised my child well and I have provided a secure environment for her, she falls she gets up an becomes more stronger each day.

This was a beautiful bond Sunaina shared with her daughter, Her daughter started with the day care when she was 4.5 months old. Sunaina's heart would ache to leave her daughter in the day care, but her daughter would smile happily and say bye to her mummy when she dropped her in the day care. This gave Sunaina a lot of strength to continue with her career. Her daughter is 3 years old now, and Sunaina continues to be a proud mother of a child who understands her no matter how the others around her Judge her. Her daughter is still the most connected to her mother more than anybody else in the family.

This continued for 3 long years. She gave away opportunities to travel, so she could be with her daughter. She loved spending time with her Husband and her daughter and would come back home on time to ensure their dinner is managed.  Her husband was very proud of her.

Over the years she kept denying promotions but her talent was eventually recognized and she slowly grew up the ladder. Her responsibilities at work started increasing and yet she would somehow manage to come back home to her family in the evening and prepare dinner, clean the house, tend to her daughters needs and then sleep. She noticed her daughter would long to be with her and would eagerly wait to spend time with her. One day she was so stressed from balancing her work and personal life that she decided to hire a cook.

"Why do we need a cook? Her husband asked, i love what you prepare."

 "I know you like what i cook but i would like to spend sometime with my daughter."

"Why don't you come back home early, that will solve everything?"

"Or why don't you help me with the household chores and we will experiment for the next few days."

"Yes sure!"

Though this started off well her husband would eventually have some reason or the other to not do something he has agreed to do. Eventually she decided she has had enough and decides to hire a cook. Her husband would focus on taking care of the little one and Sunaina would come back home eat and spend time with her little one and snooze off.

The same friends who thought she was doing a great job started judging her. She was looked down by her Family as to why does she focus so much at work than her family. She was being told by her friends what a Great man her husband was, how he focuses on his daughter so well and that how he is doing so much work despite going to office.

In one her conversations Sunaina mentioned: " I do not focus too much on work, I focus on work as well. I am as much committed to my work as my husband. Similarly my husband does not do a lot of work at home, he does as much as I do."

Gone are the days when women were not allowed to speak, gone are the days when the mother in-law, killed their daughter in-law if they did not like them. We women are certainly strong enough to handle those, this is the era of secondary level Biases, where words more than weapons are used to kill your confidence. The challenge is faced both by Men and Women. Men because even though the education system teaches them to not be biased they are forced to oblige to their parents who tie them to the hardships that they have gone through to raise their sons and for the women as they have to continuously deal with the constant comparison to their Mother in Law and their Mother (Who by the way had their own struggles when they were young). In all marriages people do not start at the same levels of maturity, its what you make out of the relationship that matters.

When will all this change? When each one of us in our own ways change the way we deal these biases at home. We cannot change the older generation, but we do have the power in our hands to define an unbiased life for our future generation. What we practice is what we exhibit, it is essential for women to differentiate between what is our right and what is a privilege. Our daughters and sons need to be bought up in an environment where her father and Mother spend same amount of time in the Kitchen, enjoy successful careers, are equal decision makers at home.

Thimiru Daa...

When a man argues its his knowledge, but when a women argues its Thimuru da,

When a married man does not know how to cook its because  he was pampered by his parents, but when a married women does know how to cook its Thimiru da,

When a boy grows his hair he is cool, when a women gets a boy cut its Thimiru da,

When a boy is picky about food, thats his choice, but when a women is picky its Thimiru da,

When a boy speaks his heart out its assertive, when a women does so its Thimiru da,

When a man drinks its an expression of his masculinity, when a women drinks its Thimiru da,

When a man dumps a girl they were not meant for each other, when a girl dumps a boy 'Why this kolaveri dii!'